Dear Xanga,

It's been awhile, but I must say, it's been good. My last entry was my venting one, I think. So let me update. I'm working at Appletree Christian Learning center now, which I really like, though I miss preschool a LOT. My tonsils came out fine ... adults should NEVER get them out. It hurts more then you ever think it would. Vicodin can only do so much. Seriously, your throat is raw and cooked (literally) and you're supposed to swallow a pill the size of my pinky? Yeah, thanks, but no. But still, day 8 hit and *BAM* I was fine, so hurray for that.

Right now everything in life is going pretty wonderful. I have a job - a lot of people don't, and I'm very thankful for that. I have someone who loves me, and I love him more then anything in the world. That's nice, too. Lately I've been making changes to erase as much of my past as I can. I'd love to change my last name (it's a curse to be a Priest... like I REALLY want to be associated with all that, lol) but sometime soon, I may anyway, so we'll have to see how that one plays out, eh? :) I've also been disconnecting with people and places that remind me of the personal and emotional hell I went through. Friends from high school, places in that area, etc... I'm now cutting myself off from. I changed my phone number so I'm not getting asshole's old bill collectors.

Chad is being the driving force behind all of this. He sees that I'm still hurt from all that happened, and in turn, it hurts him. For example, if we disagree about something, I'm afraid he'll leave for who-knows how long and do who-knows what with who -knows who. Obviously because that's what happened before. I would talk to people that I had known in high school and at CMU, and they would want to reminisce, something I don't want to do. I'm having some strong feelings about disconnecting with some of these people, though... I'm quite conflicted on one in particular. How do you try to forget someone who was a good friend to you, and at the same time reminds you of all that you want to forget?

I wonder how long it takes for the effects of constant emotional abuse and maltreatment to go away?

On to other things... it's spring! There are ducks and geese everywhere, which Chad follows around like a puppy looking for some Beggin' Strips or a toddler who knows mommy has candy in her pocket, lol. The apartment is right next to a creek (pronounced cr-ik) so we have swarms of them coming in daily. Every last crumb or seed goes to them, greedy little beggars. It's made much worse (or better, depending on which way you view it) by the fact that Chad gets his duck/goose calls out and essentially picks a fight between the birds. Poor things. They don't know we're going to eat them in October!

I'm going to go make myself a drink, lay down, and read a book before Chad comes home. Just some quiet time for me. This weekend is the Sports show (which is apparently the biggest event of the year, lol!) and we're going to Casey and Liz's for her birthday party. Then church on Sunday and relaxation. Whew. I can't wait for the weekend.

So, dear Xanga, have a good night. It's still chilly, so don't sleep with the windows open!

Love,

Katie

So, lately, people have been telling me I look good. "Yeah right..." I think, because I've always been the fat one (yes, I realize it's politically incorrect to say "fat", but my ass is bigger then yours, so I can. It's ok. I've checked) I see people from high school or something, and they say "wow, you look amazing!" Every day Chad tells me I'm beautiful. I had my family Christmas today, and everyone kept saying "You look so great!" I just had an old teacher on facebook tell me he couldn't recognize me from my pictures, and that I looked good.

Finally, I got to thinking... maybe they're right. Hmm... that would be a novel concept. After years of being told I was ugly, maybe it just stuck into my head that I am. So, I decided to put it to the test. I looked through my old facebook pictures, and found one from May '07 and then my current profile picture...

Uh, to me... wow. I made another one, too... the now pictures are from the same day, they were just taken last weekend...

Does anyone else see what I see?? Maybe not... this is what I see. Before I was unhappy, and to me, the smiles look forced and fake. I can tell you that in the first picture I was not very happy at all, and in the second, I was pretty much convinced my life was ruined... but I always smiled for the camera. Lying to everyone (and to myself) was my speciality. (PS - I still have both of those shirts, though I left the top one at home, and the sweatshirt is so huge on me now that I won't even wear it out, it makes me look really sloppy and gross... it's not even that comfy anymore it's so big...)

In the second pictures, the now pictures, I see someone who is finally happy and not having to lie to everyone. I see someone who lost a lot (and is still losing) a ton of weight (weight she gained because depression generally leads to eating, at least for me). I see someone who has a life, and a bright and happy future.

So maybe now when someone tells me I look great, or they couldn't recognize me, I'll believe them. When Chad tells me I'm beautiful, I'll just smile and say thanks instead of shaking my head. When Nick (my fav boy at work) tells me I'm gorgeous, I'll pretend that he's not just telling me that because he wants my caffeine, even though it IS all he wants, lol.

I wonder why I didn't see it before?? Does anyone else??

First of all, I LOVE Twilight! I'm super super skeptical of movies based on books, but this movie is amazing. If you have the chance, go see it. PS - if it wasn't for Chad, I would dedicate my life to finding and kidnapping Edward Cullen. Ha, ha!

I should be getting ready to go - I'm heading to Big Rapids today to have lunch with my dad, maybe hang with Jess (she was REALLY sick last night, so probably not), and to get a whole bunch of stuff from home. CHRISTMAS TREE! DECORATIONS! I love Christmas! But first is Thanksgiving, and I'd like to share what I am thankful for...

• Chad. My amazing man. My rock. The person who I know will love me, unconditionally, forever. He loves me, I love him, and that's all we need to know. I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with him... with all the stuff we've been through BEFORE we met each other, it's just amazing we're both this happy together now.
• My family. Yeah, they irritate me sometimes... but compared to lots of OTHER families, they're pretty amazing.
• My job. Again, like my family, it irritates me sometimes... but I love it so much. Not just because I get told everyday that I'm an amazing teacher, but because where else can I get hugged a hundred times a day, be told I'm gorgeous, that I'm loved, and I get to say things like "don't jump on your friends' head, it will break" or "Hands are for hugging, not hitting"
• My apartment. Yep, I love it. I'm so glad we don't have a house, it's nice to crank up the heat, and get too hot, so we open the window :) Or to leave the hot water in the shower running for 10 minutes before we get in. The garbage disposal breaks so we call up the guy. I love it.
• All the little things in life. Gluten free bakery cookies. Our showers every night before bed. Sponge Bob. Chapstick. Fleece shirts stolen from Chad. Paydays. Gas being under $1.80. Clean towels. Everything.

I seriously need to get ready to go - I've procrastinated for waaaay too long. Maybe I'll add more to the list later, because there IS more, I just can't focus, lol. Have a great weekend!!